last week, d-man, eavan, and i went to our little mall to look high-and-low for a pair of waterproof and insulated mittens for didion. on top of the parental needs for warmth and durability, d-man wanted his mittens to be orange (!!!) …

there wasn’t a pair to be found anywhere in that pathetic place. forget the orange requirement; there were zero toddler mittens. ZERO.

now i know i was looking for an item in early november that parents with school-age children had long since purchased. i get it. i know. i was late, but if i recall correctly, when other parents were stocking up on winter gear for their progeny, i was pushing out one of my own.

but if i didn’t already know i was going to come up empty handed, thank the glorious heavens above i had some broad at gap kids set me straight …

after circling the racks at gap kids for a good 10 minutes, while two employees complained about their manager, i was finally asked by the older woman from about 20 feet away …

woman (in mildly irritated voice, as if *i* was the manager she was just bitching about): can i help you find something?

me (pointing to rack at front of store): um, yes, is that rack it as far as boys coats and winterwear?

the woman then gives me the most inordinately exaggerated snorting scoff. i’m thinking, “bitch, i didn’t ask you if kool-aid might cure cancer or if lollipops and afternoon naps might bring about peace in the mideast.” but not only do i get the scoff, i get the lecture …

woman (post snort): they. are. gawwwwwnnnnn. YOU needed to be here two months ago.

now i understand empathy and compassion run thin in the rarefied air surrounding the throne this woman apparently sits on … as middle-aged ruler of the other part-time, minimum wage worker at the gap kids in the poughkeepsie galleria on a thursday afternoon … but what about the dark circles under my eyes; the leaking nursing tank; the spit-up stain on my shoulder; my stringy, unwashed hair; and the — um — six-week-old baby in the stroller my three-year-old was hanging on indicated to the woman that i was, perhaps, sitting around with my thumb up my ass “two months ago”?

it crossed my mind to tell her that “two months ago” the soles of my feet were facing the ceiling of a delivery room, where i was turning my lower abdomen inside out to pump out a kid, and, gosh, that really screwed up my mitten-shopping plans.

but instead i said that i was from california and simply don’t understand winter, especially since in california, there are no coats.

her reply to me?

“honey, you are in new york now. you need to get used to it.”

how depressingly true on so many levels, and — this being my fifth winter and year here, i apparently, am still fighting getting “used to it.”

cosmic balance, though, was in the offing as the young woman at jc penney was very kind. alas, winter mittens for the d-man were not to be had.

i would have to go online, and after my fruitless search through the mall and heartwarming interaction at gap kids, i redoubled my efforts to find mittens that were not only warm, waterproof, insulated, and durable but also … O-R-A-N-G-E, dammit!

voila:

landsend to the rescue

the mittens came in yesterday’s mail, and they rock. hard. super deluxe and soft and warm … i am going to get a pair for myself.

and thus, we return to the title of this post … to the biATCH at the poughkeepsie galleria gap kids (a store you will now never find me), i say …

SUCK IT!